Inspiration

I'm lacking inspiration. Perhaps a little desire.


My encounter with Punk last week has left my mind distracted. Other pursuits have held less interest... He leaves again shortly. A month he'll be gone. A month to clear my head.


I've been dating. I have my fourth date with NewBoy this week. I haven't asked him if he's seeing other people or anything - I can't say it bothers me. 

Since a couple of weeks ago, I've stopped fucking (s)Ex. After his little boozy freakout, I'm not sure how I feel. Never a good move to call your newest ex-girlfriend by your old ex-girlfriends name while screaming at her for not wanting to be with you. It just got awful. It was the most passion we'd ever really had though.


I'm seeing (s)Ex this week though. Game of Thrones and dinner. Perhaps I'll blow him or fuck him if the mood strikes, though after playing nasty with Punk, I can't say I'm over-enthused about the plan. The gentle respectful sex of being with (s)Ex makes things feel different because I know he's only like that because he's repressed. Some part of him would love to let loose.

...to fuck you up

Red has been on vacation, out of the state. He'll be back soon. Lately he's been talking about feelings and love and shit about some girl. It'll pass, but for now he's pretending he's a nice guy instead of the cheating lying bastard we all know and love. Hope he's got her well fooled, else it won't last.


Spike also is making noises about the girl he's been fucking and being in love. His too will pass and will be back in my bed with in the next few months. 


Sometimes they need to detour back through the misery and heartache that is pretending to love someone before they remember what empty people we are sometimes. They're both physically incapable of loving a girl, of being with her without cheating.


Oddly, Spikes girlfriend and Reds girlfriend have the same name. My name too. Heh. At least calling out the wrong name in bed won't be a problem for them I suppose.


I don't know what I want any more. Awkward dates? Rough sex every six weeks? Weekly to fortnightly rolls in the hay with an ex who I'll never love? 


All this stuff seems to wash over me, lacking in inspiration. Lacking in joy.


Perhaps I should just spend more time at home with my favourite new toy (thank you to Swan Vibrators, your Swan Princess model and I are becoming very well acquainted since we met last week).


I haven't slept with NewBoy. This Saturday is a good friends birthday party, and she told me to bring NewBoy. That'll make our first night time date, and date number five. Five dates sounds like a lot. We haven't had tea together yet, we have only had lunch around the corner from his work. I get the idea that he likes me well enough, but I think his divorce is problematic.

I hope with Punk back on his flight to the middle of nowhere, the overwhelming desire to let him hurt me and fuck me and try to break me will subside, letting me refocus and actually get to know NewBoy. This wander down memory lane with Punk has felt like a little bit of a struggle. Like we're stuck in stalemate. The relationship is like lust with pauses of hatred. Ugliness.


I think I just need a new thrill... and perhaps if I felt like I was actually chasing NewBoy I'd be getting that thrill feeling. Even though he's sexy and charming and polite, I don't get that overwhelming desire to fuck him and kiss him and bite his neck, and I don't feel like he wants to throw me against a wall and rip my clothes off. (s)Ex does that. 


Can't a girl just have everything in one man, instead of needing four?