Smudged Mascara

Usually I come home from a night at my (s)Ex's house feeling all buzzed. Like electricity has been injected into my veins. Usually I feel sultry and alive. Usually I come home, relax on my couch, flick over some TV. I feel empowered to write. Within a few minutes I mute the television and write a story or a blog post.


I'm here - I've been home 20 minutes. Long enough to run a brush through my hair and slip out of my jeans and bra. Long enough to wipe off my smudged mascara.


Today everything felt off. I'm still sick and I know feeling off can make things feel weird, but it wasn't easy tonight. The stuff that usually flows didn't. I was cold. He was hot. I felt unmotivated. The sex was good, but empty and I could feel the icicles on my heart hardening. Even with his tongue pressed hard against my clit, my heart wasn't in it. Rare for me. It happens to all of us though.


Usually the soft brown eyes warm me. Today I just felt isolated. I'm being unfair and I know it. His soft hands brushed through my hair and caressed my cheeks. He took an interest in pleasing me.


Tonight there was no pleasing me though. I feel aggravated and ill at ease. Like there is something missing. Something he can't give me. 


I've been sitting here for five minutes staring at the screen between the last paragraph and this one. 


The answer struck me like a lightening bolt.


He touched me like he loved me. He looked at me adoringly. The more he treats me like an angel, the more I want to back away and find someone who'll give me the counterbalance.


I want to call my friend from a week ago. I would love to talk to him. My fingers twitch impulsively at the thought - a text message in the middle of the night. I would but I can't. It doesn't work that way. It'd be against the rules. The rules are clear. He'll tell me when he has time.


I've flipped through my phone. There are a dozen or more names. I could call one of them. I want something different though. Something a little more intense. Like I'm craving some one stronger and darker. Someone to push me to a new level...


The ideas are brewing. The wants are there. I just feel the desperate need for someone who won't treat me so perfectly. All that respect and kissing in bed is exhausting. 


In the meanwhile - I'm going to spend some quality time with an electronic friend and enjoy coming thinking about things that I know he could never give me. I'll spend my time thinking about playing rough, and someone playing rough with me.

Surely I can find someone that would like to play a little rougher with me? We'll have to wait and see.